Writing Exercises!

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 I promise, it's not on purpose.

I'm still working on the second paragraph, and for the most part, not much needs to actually be deleted or gotten rid of, only rearranged, or made somewhat smoother.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

With this one, I actually did some of the editing myself.

Zaleramancer wrote

Money can sometimes disconnect people from one another. With so much wealth, it can be easy to ignore rules and morals, and engage in selfish desires. In 'The Great Gatsby', this contempt for society's rules manifests itself through Tom Buchanan. Throughout the novel, he shows a strong belief in his own superiority, and a certain contempt for people around him (even his wife, Daisy Buchanan).  Even just a week into his marriage, he and a chambermaid are found after a car crash.  Years later, during a visit by Nick Caraway, Tom interrupts dinner, just to speak with his mistress. (who is later cast aside when she manages the easy task of annoying him). When his life is threatened, Tom has no problems sending Mr. Wilson, who is obviously deranged and violent, to the unsuspecting Gatsby, and he finds this to be completely justified afterwards. All of this displayed his inability to understand and follow the common rules of society, believing that his money would allow him to do anything he pleased.

 The italics you can get rid of. The paragraph already makes that assertion apparent.

The bold, I'm confused about. What does this mean? What happened to make you say this? Perhaps I can help with rephrasing.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 And now working on the third paragraph.

[Zaleramancer]

The bold part is referencing part of the story, in which Mr. Wilson is coming to kill Tom because he thinks Tom killed his wife in a car accident. Tom says, truthfully, that Gatsby's car ran over her. He has no real regrets about this afterwards. No guilt, despite the fact that this caused Gatsby's death and Wilson's suicide.

The italics was there because we're supposed to end the paragraph with a sentence relating to the first.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

Ugh...and I'm back...

Zaleramancer wrote

Fear is one of the most basic of human emotions. Like a swarm of rats, it can gnaw away at a person. And no amount of money can buy off that essential part of human nature; no manner how they act or pretend otherwise, the wealthy are just as susceptible to this as anyone else. In fact, having great wealth can often make matters worse, as the higher up the social ladder people climb, the further they have to fall. Meyer Wolfsheim personifies that fear in 'The Great Gatsby', his eyes constantly roving about in nervous paranoia. 'For example' During a lunch with a good friend of his, he scarcely stayed long enough to eat, before scurrying off, as if being chased. 'Likewise', when Nick Carraway came to see him, following Gatsby's death, Meyer hides away in his office, pretending to be in another city entirely. Consumed with his vague fear, he refuses even to attend the funeral of a close friend.

Some things had to be added, omitted and rearranged. The bold words are transitions you can use (but, of course, you can use any of your choosing). I believe it flows more clearly this way, but let me know what you think.

Gonna start on paragraph 4 now.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

Well, it's kinda awkward how you worded it, is all. Try another way to phrase it.

And, unless you're okay with how it sounds, perhaps the italics should be a transition of some sort, instead.

[Zaleramancer]

Ah, yes. That's much better, thank you.

[Zaleramancer]

I have a few other sentences I plan on rephrasing, so I'll add that to the list.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

Zaleramancer wrote

Transition word or phrase, A web of deception often cloaks the golden glow of wealth, obscuring facts and twisting opinions. With the flash of money, a person becomes more believable than they ever would be without it. James Gatsby is a deceiver right down to his false name. His entire history is woven story, and he actively courts and embraces the rumors that circulate around him. The resulting aura of grandeur and mystique strokes his ego, because deep down he never believed that his parents--mundane rural farmers--could ever really be his true family. Even earlier in life, he had no problem portraying himself deceptively to get what he desired. Likewise, when courting Daisy, Gatsby allowed her to think of him as a man of means and wealth, despite being a poor solider. Gatsby's lies, deceptions and misrepresentations surrounding his wealth leave him to die nearly alone and friendless.

There was actually very little here to be tweaked. Very nicely done. Smooth flowing and coherent. In addition to the things I've bolded, the paragraph has been edited, so you can compare the current version with the previous version.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

I'm gonna look over the conclusion, now. Turns out, watching MSNBC, combined with a diet of fruit, tea and Chinese food is a real motivator for writing and critique.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

Zaleramancer wrote

'The Great Gatsby' shows a great contrast between how people are perceived, and how they actually are. Despite the ease and pleasure that rich people seem to live in, they are still human, and are therefore subject to all the flaws and follies of normal men and women. Wealth can even work to exaggerate these moral flaws, because it enables people to get away with so much. It becomes easy for a rich person to think themselves above the rules of society, or above other people. It becomes hard not to believe that others desire your wealth, and hard not to fear what they might do to get it. It even becomes a simple task to take on a whole new identity, out of nothing but lies. Wealth can make anything easy.

I'm debating if I really like the last sentence--it does have something of a cynical, sarcastic quirk to it that I like-- but otherwise, this is what I could think of to help improve this. Not much had to be done here, either. Very well done. Hope you like the changes.

[Zaleramancer]

That you!

I think I've fixed everything I was not to lazy to fix.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 Glad I could help. Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with, and I'll try my best to be of assistance.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 YES.

I just finished my latest Creative Writing story, themed in jealousy, and I MUST have you guys' opinions on it. Just bear in mind. I'm sort of sensitive about my work, but it doesn't mean I want someone to stroke my ego. If it's bad, let me know. Let me know what you like about it, as well as what you think needs to be improved. This is FOR A GRADE. So I can't go into class thinkin' I'm the bomb, if this mess is really gonna just blow up in my face.

Please be honest, and if you must, be brutal. I just want the best grade I can get.

So...*sigh*...here goes.

Horror_Story_Work.doc

[Zaleramancer]

So, what kind of criticism are you looking for

I knew where it was going rather quickly. It seems like the classic tale of getting exactly want you want in precisely the wrong way. The undertones of envy and jealousy driving someone to that seem obvious.

It ends with the implication of harm befalling the main character, traditional of horror stories.

I'm not sure how to levy criticism, if any is needed.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

Hehe, I actually started to notice some of my flaws shortly after I posted it here, so some of the stuff I may have caught before you post them here. Still, though, I just want honesty. Wherever you see something that maybe confuses you, or doesn't seem to flow well with other details revealed in the story, or doesn't seem interesting, or seems too essay-like, rather than story-like. And overall, I want to know how I conveyed the feeling of envy/jealousy without outright giving words like 'envy' and 'jealousy'.

I'll post a revision shortly.

[Zaleramancer]

Well..

The moment of magic should be the building climax of the short story. Perhaps more build up there?

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 I sort of noticed that, too. Not to mention, I was wondering...it seems like you could sort of predict where I was going with my story. Do you think that's a good thing (as in, tropes you can pick up on) or a bad thing (as in, used and abused cliches)?

And since I actually just finished the latest edition of the story, let's see what you think of it. Hopefully the improvement is actually an improvement.

Horror_Story_Work.doc

[Zaleramancer]

It's not cliched.

I could guess what was going to happen, but I do that with nearly every story. It's rare to find one that does throw me, because I've read enough to see the patterns.

[Zaleramancer]

I can think of a few things I would have thought to do differently, but..

The main thing I can think of is that the beginning of the magic part seems a trifle abrupt.

The irony of What's in a name amuses me now.