New Beginning Survival Guide

[Celadon's Penultimate]

247. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
247a. No shame in hiding in trashcans, dumpsters, ditches, lockers or other such humiliating places, if it saves you from a beating by a more powerful being.
247b. It will rarely save you from a beating by a more powerful being, to hide within trashcans, dumpsters, ditches, lockers or other such humiliating places.

248. If you wake up and your mother is now mysteriously Stevie Wonder...be a good son/daughter/thing and get her/him/it a walking cane. This is your life now.

249. Most people have awful taste. Unless you have ketchup and mustard handy.

250. Your best bet for survival is to form a team.
250a. Team up only with your most skilled and useful friends (provided they're not dead, crazy or an inanimate object)
250b. Useful is relative. Be really smart about your team choices.

251. Zombie Apocalypse rules apply, except in the event of an actual Zombie Apocalypse.
251a. What most humans call Zombie Apocalypse, Titanomachy, Armageddon, Ragnarok, etc, reality benders call a slow Thursday. Get used to them, and always be prepared.

252. Something Wulf likes more than sarcasm, is irony. Expect a lot of that, too.

253. Giraffes do make sounds. So do turtles, rabbits, foxes, kangaroos, swans, fish and various other animals and insects. Those sounds hold the answers to all the secrets and mysteries of the universe.

254. This world ain't no game. Assume that all Evil Overlords are well versed in the rules of their trade.

255. Feeling a little wibbly-wobbly? There's never a bad time to call for help. The Doctor is more than willing to make house-calls.
255a. People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.
255b. Reality benders tend to regard said ball, as a whimsical plaything.

256. Bea Arthur and Barbara Streisand are fixed points in time. They cannot be prevented.

257. You can do it. Just believe.
275a. Not sure what 'it' is? Test your physical capabilities constantly, and find out.
275b. That which is possible or impossible, is always subject to change.

276. Often, the answers to accomplishing your greatest dreams, lie within the depths of our darkest nightmares.

277. One man's trash isn't always another man's treasure. Sometimes girls get the gold.
277a. In fact, most times, girls get the gold.

278. Despite their reputations as deceptive and untrustworthy, some of your best hope for allies will be shapeshifters.

279. People with special titles in front of their names...Dr., Mr., Mrs., Ms., Lord, Lady, etc...best not to trust them.
279a. Except THE Doctor. Him, you can trust. *ahem* Except when he lies. In fact...

1a. The Doctor lies.

280. Keep maps handy at all times. The US. The UK. Australia. Atlantis. Wonderland. Narnia. You never know when you'll need them.
280a. You're more likely to need a map of Narnia, than to need a map of the US.

281. That stupid meme that says 'Keep Calm' and do all those different weird things? Wise words to live by. Do all the things.

282. By the time New Beginning is over, the worlds of Doctor Who and Homestuck will look like child's play in comparison.
282a. Despite the above rule, the name 'New Beginning' does not necessarily imply that the series of events known as New Beginning also has an end.

283. Living life straight from beginning to end is for suckers.

284. Ain't no party like a New Beginning party, because a New Beginning party is full of infinite-looping temporal, spatial and gravitational paradoxes, and thus don't stop.

285. 'Temporal Paradox', to a reality bender, is just another word for 'April Fool's Prank'.

286. Never refuse a hug from the Thorlarrian Queen's High Eunuch. The queen will not be amused.
286a. Always refuse a hug from the Thorlarrian Queen. It's a formal gesture to offer, but she actually hates physical contact.
286b. Except with the Marvelous Miscreant. She's quite fond of the Marvelous Miscreant.

287. Don't speak Old High Gibberish? That's cool. Don't care to even try to learn it? Well, fxyk-dzyxl you, too!

288. Buckets are naughty.
288a. Except on the Thorlarrian Moon, where they make for rare delicacies. Those Thorlarrians are weird.

289. Saying the word 'sandwich' is an act of war on at least 90 alien worlds. You would do well to learn which.

290. No trespassing, without a proper trespassing license.

291. Earth has among the fewest ley lines of all the sentient planets in the universe. That said, you probably can't out-magic an alien.
291a. You can't out-technology him/her/it, either. What are you, slow?

292. Heads, brains, minds and souls are excellent bartering currency.
292a. Hearts and livers, less so.

293. Silence isn't always golden. It can also be ordered in silver, copper, bronze and brass. Even platinum, in limited quantity.

294. No running in the hall. Except the Hall of Terrors. Then, slowing down is a terrible idea.
294a. Outside of the Hall of Terrors, slowing down is only slightly less terrible an idea.
294b. The Hall of Terrors is surprisingly easy to stumble into. Walk in a straight line, at your peril.

295. The only place easier to stumble into than the Hall of Terrors is the Twilight Zone. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, varies with each person.

296. Nightvale is also incredibly easy to stumble onto, if you find yourself listening to strange podcasts or radio transmissions.

297. Get familiar with the pronunciation of the phrase, "Kltpzyxm". This will come in handy more times than can be counted.
297a. So will:
"Shazam!"

"I have the power!"

"Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats, ho!"

"Autobots, roll out!"

"It's morphin time!"

"Freak out!"

"Spoon!"

"Seat belts, everyone!"

"Hello, Sweetie...".

"Spoilers...."

And others.

298. For future references, reading things in Latin, especially from old books, is likely not the best idea.
298a. Neither is messing with Ouija boards.
298b. Or messing with tarot cards.
298c. Or anything else magical, supernatural or occult.
298d. Unless you were skilled in their use before the advent of the New Beginning, or gained powers pertaining to them on the Superpower List.

299. Never underestimate the power of good timing.
299a. Such as the time to panic. A well-timed panic is vastly underrated.

300. The uninformed must improve their deficit or die.

[Myself]

So many references.

[Whd]

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[Celadon's Penultimate]

 Had to make a little edit to #253.

[Whd]

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[Celadon's Penultimate]

310. Bow ties are cool.
310a. So are alliterations, especially when used as insults.
310b. So are puns. Except when confronted by the Zaleramancer. In which case, they may mean your demise.

311. Cling hard to your fandom.
311a. Don't have a fandom? Find one fast. In all likelihood, said fandom now occupies some existing space in the universe; you want to be ready in the event you end up there.
311b. You're far more likely to end up in the place of your deepest nightmares, than of your wildest dreams.

312. A Vargon kills first, asks questions later. So, if a Vargon asks you a question, you'd best get searching for the bodies.

313. The Penultimate is called such for a very important reason. Even if, by some miracle of God, you find a way to do so, killing him is most inadvisable.
313a. The reason he is called the Penultimate is none of your business. Asking is futile.
313b. So is asking his true name.

314. It's always best to know your foe's true name.
314a. And not to let them know yours.

315. Cherish your ability to breathe. You never know when it will be gone.

[Marvelous Miscreant]

Y'all keep saying MPU...but I still have no idea what that is.

[WonderDrow]

I thought MPU stood for Marv's Powered Underlings.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

Most Powerful Users.

From the main site.

316. Misunderstandings could mean the difference between life...and life as an inanimate object.

[WonderDrow]

317. At some point there will be so many rules that some will appear a few times in the list.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

317a. And you will be expected to follow each one to a tee, or risk a most painful and humiliating demise.

[Marvelous Miscreant]

Wouldn't that be something...

[Whd]

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[Celadon's Penultimate]

319. A large number of the most cataclysmic and devastating events in the universe can be traced back to one or more of the following sources (in order of power):
319a. Franklin Richards (or beings of similar power; Celestials, Eternals, Sentry, Wyatt Halliwell, Raio Nandeneivious, The B***h, etc.)
319a. Loki, the Norse god of Mischief
319b. The Doctor
319c. The Technari (or their associates/subordinates, the Daleks, the Cybermen, Skynet, Mark Zuckerberg, etc)
319d. The Illuminati (or their associates/subordinates, the Men in Black, etc.)
319e. Fairy Godparents!
319f.  Dinkleberg...

[Celadon's Penultimate]

320. The universe is far too messy and disorganized. The Penultimate takes liberty, to organize, reorganize and re-reorganize it, until it suits him. He promises to get it just right, eventually. Maybe.

321. Zeus and Jupiter are not the same. Nor are any of the other gods equivalent to one another. Take care to remember this, as undoubtedly the gods are bound to cross your path once in a while, and name confusion can get more than awkward...it can get you killed.

322. The rules are for mortals' safety, and for reality benders' amusement. Disobey at your peril.
322a. 'Keep off the Grass' is now often the equivalent of 'Beware of Dog'. Really; leave the grass alone.
322b. Lots of times, 'Beware of Dog' will become the equivalent of 'Beware of Dragon'. Stop teasing the junkyard dogs while you're ahead.
322c. Just because that live wire hasn't electrocuted you, doesn't mean your safe. Often, the way in which things are dangerous changes. So, yeah, that live wire you just crossed over 'unharmed'? You might want to get screened for radiation poisoning...

323. Get good at telling jokes, solving riddles and predicting pranks. Those happen a lot, now.

[Marvelous Miscreant]

324. Stop giving Marv free reign. That's how we ended up with Exploding Walrus Baby.



325. Get used to the phrase "Retroactively Canon"

[Celadon's Penultimate]

324a. The MPUs and other beings of similar or higher rank are the only ones capable of giving the Marvelous Miscreant free reign over anything.
324b. Most free reign over which he is given, pertains to the raucous New Beginning Parties, and so every shortcoming is automatically forgiven (even the exploding walrus baby).

325. The Penultimate is a Grammar Nazi. This fact is irrevocable canon.

[Myself]

326) When dealing with MPU's, almost anything you say can and will be made into a pun. Especially if the MPU you're dealing with happens to spend a lot of time as a cat.

[WonderDrow]

 326.a) However, MPU doesn't stand for Massive Pun User.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

327. Terms like 'Abstract', 'Metaphorical', 'Hypothetical', 'Imaginary' and the like, in actuality, are just euphemisms for 'Totally real, just inaccessible by the physical, mental and spiritual capabilities of ordinary humans'.

328. Sometimes you go to sleep, and wake up a few minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years/decades/centuries/millennia/eons in the future or past. This happens. Just roll with it.
328a. This may also happen if you walk through doors, gates or arches, or if you look under beds, or into containers. Be ready.
328b. Not always can you go back the way you came. In fact, most times, returning through the same door/gate/arch, etc, will just end up confusing things worse.

329. Sometimes you find yourself in another land/world/planet/dimension/realm/reality that eerily coincides with something you may or may not have read before in fanfiction. This is no coincidence. Writers of fanfiction, no matter how good or bad, are actually psychics, capable of perceiving other frequencies of reality.
329a. Some even have the capability to influence said other lands/worlds/planets/dimensions/realms/realities by their writing. Read up on as many fanfics as you can get your hands on.
329b. Respect fanfic writers. Your life may well depend on it.

330. In the event you find yourself within what seems like a never-ending maze--a labyrinth, so to speak--be sure to discard any and all red colored items on your person at once.