What's That Monster

[Gentleman Vaultboy]

[Whaliens123]

Gentleman Vaultboy wrote

Do you want a pet, but not any ordinary pet?
Do you think that plants are boring?
Do your parents think that pets are too hard for you to look after?
Then this is perfect for you!

It's Planimants®, the new series of pet mutants brought to you by Weird Pets.

Combining plant and animal genetics together, we have managed to make a pet the world has never seen before! It's an animal that lives in a pot and gets its energy from the leaves that grow on its head. Its roots are on its tail, and it never needs to come out of its pot. You can just carry it around, and all you need to do is water it every day.

You come to our store and tell us what animal and plant you want to combine. We will send the details to our GeneBot in our main labs, and you will get the seed to plant to get your dream Planimant in 1 week. We will combine any type of plant with any type of animal! Maybe a Cat-tail, or a Dog-Rose. Whatever, we can make it. We even have engineered a gold fish with a lily pad on its back!

You just plant the seed in a pot with dirt in it, give it some water, and wait. Your pet will grow, and you will have a brand new Planimant!

Plantimants! Buy one today! ($12 each, pot, water and dirt not included)

[Whaliens123]

Gentleman Vaultboy wrote

We're the 3 Musketeers, and we are the world's best bodyguards. One thing most of the world doesn't know about us is that we are dead. That's why we're so good - no one can kill us. I'm Skull, and this is Gore and Bones. We were the original 3 musketeers, but one day, we fell off a bridge and died while trying to save someone about to fall. We don't know how we were brought to life, but we don't really care. We just protect whoever pays the most.

Even though we live in the 21st Century, we still carry swords. They aren't our muskets - they got lost in the river - but these swords are just as good. I carry a hand gun, just in case we can't slash our way out of a situation. Our clothes are what we wore when we died, we just had them repaired and cleaned. This takes attention off the guy we are trying to protect, and puts it onto us, because the clothes are so ancient. Sounds dangerous? It would be, if we weren't the walking dead!

3M out.

[Philote]

[WonderDrow]

Not sure if monster or a cat lady. She got a tail anyway.
And no, she's not Myself's sister.
I assume the words you're looking for are "Rawwrrrr"

[Gentleman Vaultboy]

"FFfffffffffffffffffffffhahahahahahahahaha Hahahahahah Hahahahahah hahahahahah! Was that a yowl? Did you just yowl at me? Pffffff, yes, yes you did of good god."

"I''m sorry, what? See, it's kind of hard to here seeing as you're all the way down there. Are you propositioning me?"

"Oh, OHHHHHHHHHHHHH, a mugging? I'm being mugged, is that it? Really, you?"

"I'm sorry, but if you're not going to take this seriously then neither am I."

"Well because it's kind of hard to take anyone seriously when you think they're going to be belting off Memory at any moment."

"You're right, that was racially insensitive. But respect is a two way street. You could at least stand up while talking to me."

"WOW! Okay, you can sit back down if you want. Jeez. 'I'm going out mugging tonight. Four belts ought to be appropriate for that, right?.' Look, here's a sawbuck, go buy yourself some pants."

[Whaliens123]

Philote wrote

Entry from Christopher Retch's work journal:

19/01/2013
Today's events were indescribable. Utterly amazing, yet truly terrifying. In all my years of working as a Teratologist, never have I seen anything like this creature.

A few days ago, I got a call from some guy in Germany. He reported seeing a strange creature the other day when he went to work. He couldn't identify a species, so I had some doubts as to whether this was an animal with abnormalities. But my curiosity swallowed my doubt, and 27 hours later, I was on a plane to Berlin.

When I got there, I went immediately to see this animal of his. Turns out, he worked at a cemetery as a gardener. He seemed friendly enough, and his name was apparently Helmut Schlieper. He led me to his house, where Helmut made me a cup of tea. I asked him whether I could see this monster, but he claimed it only came out at night. So, we waited for nightfall.

When Helmut decided we could go outside, he picked up his favourite shovel, in case he needed it. We drove to the cemetery in Helmut's old car, which had rust all along its side, the paint stripped off by claw marks, deep long cuts in the metal. The glass was cracked, and all that remained of the passenger seat's window was a sharp-edged lower half. I was starting to wonder if Helmut wasn't seeing things, and whether I might be dealing with more than just a weird animal. I wound down the window, and off we went, into the night.

When we arrived at the cemetery, and wandered outside, almost immediately we heard loud thumping noises that shook the earth we stood on. And then, appearing right before our eyes, was a creature - No, a monster - about 3 times the size of me. As I poured my flash light's light onto it, I saw that this creature was not even alive or dead, but a strange combination of the living, the dead and the permanently inanimate. It seemed to be made of the cemetery itself, with a tomb for the front part of its face and tombstones embedded in its body, which in turn was made of giant, rocky boulders and a tree on the top, whose roots wrapped all around the giant and made up a part of the right foot. The back and arms had the cemetery gate posts sticking out of them, and a green-glowing liquid was oozing out of the body and the tombstone. This monster was carrying a rock sword in his left hand, which was possibly the cause of the cuts in the car. Helmut called it the Sepulcrum Mortis, although I didn't know what that meant in German. Apparently, the Sepulcrum meant graveyard, and the Mortis, well, I could guess that. We slowly turned, then bolted off in the direction of the car, the monster in hot pursuit. We made it out of the cemetery, but I think we were very lucky.

I was just a Teratologist, but now, my work also involves finding out what that monster is. And it was thanks to a guy who thought I hunted monsters.

[Whaliens123]

Gentleman Vaultboy wrote

Okay, it's night now. Cold, dark, rainy night.

Good... I can walk Fido. Fido! FIDO! (whistles) Come here! It's walk time!

Fido? What are you doing on the couch? Don't go stringing any web now, it's time for our walk. Now, to get the leash on... AAARGHH! You bit me! Just hold one moment while I get a vial of anti-venom. Now where was it? Was it in my closet, or in my drawer? I've got 40-45 minutes to find it, so that's a... Oh! I know! It's in the kitchen cupboard! Just to go downstairs, and here it is! The many vials of anti-venom! I should only need one.

Glug-glug-glug-glug aaaaaaaaaah... Fido! You can't just bite anyone you want! If you bite me and I die, don't come to me the next day looking for Spider Surprises! Bad Fido! Bad, bad Fido!
Now, I'm going to put that leash on you, and you will remain calm... Yes, that's it, Fido. That wasn't so bad, was it? Now we can go outside.

Good. Now.. No! NO! Don't chase the giant stink bug! AAARGH!

[Whaliens123]

Philote wrote

I am the Not-Quite-Human Chicken Anteater Magic Uranium-Mutation Plant thing. I don't know how I was born. I went to one of those High School classes that claimed to tell people how they were born, to see if that would help. It didn't. At all. I had nightmares for 3 weeks, then vomited all day afterwards. I have now gotten over that, and I now believe that my mother was a pineapple. I think my father was a possum, or a washing machine. I watched a snippet of Star Wars once. This man in a black suit claimed to be my father, and called me Luke. I turned the television off after that.
I then knew my mission was to find this man in black. I thought if I found this man, he might tell me if my mother was a pineapple or not. So I got the DVD to find out what this man in black's name was. It was either Han, Leia, C-3PO or Darth Vader. I took the obvious choice, and started searching for C-3PO. I ended up getting this gold man. Useless internet.

I then looked around my house for clues. It was an abandoned science lab, so all I found were vials of liquid, jars of internal organs and a Bunsen burner. I now deduced that my father was Sherlock Holmes. Who else lives in an abandoned science lab?
That got me nowhere, but the guy I thought was Sherlock Holmes told me that his friend used to live in the lab I live in. He described him as crazy, so crazy that he was taken to an insane asylum. I visited this asylum, to find out my father was a mad scientist/warlock/uranium guy who made me in his lab. Which kind of makes him my mother as well, but he told me he had recently married a pineapple, so I have a stepmother!

And now, to go back to my lab.
I never liked the name Luke anyway.

[Philote]

[Gentleman Vaultboy]

Philote wrote

Nighteyes, an extra planer parasite common near the outer gates. Enters it's victims through their eyes and burying itself in their gut, the victim is apparently clean and able to infiltrate for upwards of two weeks. Afterwards the victim begins showing symptoms of infection as the creature grows in power: speaking in tongues, magical discharge, a dark seepage from the pours, and changes in eye color. In the later stages of infection exorcism is no longer an option. Fire is the appropriate method of disposal.

[Gentleman Vaultboy]

Philote wrote

The Brides of Thouthula, named for the large volcano that is the Islands namesake, have been the primary obstacle in our efforts to colonize the Ishpey Archipelago. From what we have been able to gather, the Ishpey create these monstrosities by taking a young girl and ritually cleansing them of every positive emotion of over the course of ten years. We have no idea what that entails, but reports of the girls state as they are lead up the mountain are chilling. At the precipice the poor wretch, usually quite insane at this point, is throw in to the the volcano, only to rise again as the embodiment of the Volcanos power, to protect the island for up to a year before cooling and falling to pieces, at which point another sacrifice is required. How much time they remain active seems to correlate to how much anguish and rage they have when sacrificed.

Some members of parliament have suggest we redouble our efforts in light of this barbarism, but I will tell you this: we will run out of men before they run out of girls.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

Gentleman Vaultboy wrote

"I warned you not to try my patience with your attitude. I really did warn you. So, now, you're a Qilin. The perfect irony; frightening and fearsome on the outside, but valiant and pure of heart on the inside, while you are just the other way around. So, until you've shown me you know how to act, this is how you'll stay. You can start by offering me a ride home on your back."

--Princess Shi Yuan, Sorceress Supreme, of the Wan Shi Lan Dynasty (to her boyfriend)

[WonderDrow]

 That woman is the real monster...

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 I really do love this thread...

[Celadon's Penultimate]

[Gentleman Vaultboy]

Shadowulf1 (Wulf) wrote

The scourge of many a farm in the western provinces, the Naked Octomole (known colloquially as the Smug-runner) burrow long elaborate tunnel systems under the earth and feed on the roots of plants. Large colonies of these creatures have caused more failed more efforts toward westward expansion than any dragon or orc warband. Capable of running at tremendous speeds, all the exits to their vast colonies must be completely shut off before attempting to drown them, otherwise the vast majority of the colony will escape. The Smug-runners amazing hearing greatly complicates this process.

They are known as Smug-runners both because of their seemingly constant grin and their warning call, HuhHuhHuhHuh, which sounds like condescending laughter. Many a man has grown to hate this call with a passion rarely seen in the civilized world.

[Philote]

[Gentleman Vaultboy]

Philote wrote

The Relief Gates, common to the roads of southern Nanto, are used to mark area where on may rest and recover safe from the harassment of monsters. The nuns of the Hello, Good Evening, and Goodby, the gods of Travel, diligently maintain these rest spots with powerful miracles in order to ensure that travelers have a place to rest their weary heads. Whenever one such gate vanishes completely it is said that it has been given life from the thanks and relief of the countless humans who have passed through it and ascended to the realm of the gods to protect the spiritual pathways.

[Gentleman Vaultboy]

Shadowulf1 (Wulf) wrote

More creatures from the Magically blasted western provinces, the Goretoad and Elephant Eel share are both inhabitants o the swamp that makes up its northeast half.  The toad is a fierce hunter and voracious hunter, the undoubted apex predator of the swamp, it uses it's powerful legs to launch itself at prey and pierce it with it's horns. If the initial strike does not kill the prey, the toad backs off and allows the hallucinogenics poison its body it coated in to finish it off before consuming in whole.

The Elephant Eel, meanwhile, if more of an ambush predator. Using it's truck to breath, it lurks under the water awaiting anything that happens to pass by. It will then spring out of thew water and latch onto the creature with it's powerful jaws while at the same time wrapping its tail around the creature. It will then try to drag it's victim into the water to drown them.