Message Board...(continued)

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 Ah. Then they're not friends. They're accomplices.

Do you perhaps have interest in finding any actual friends?

[Philote]

That seems pretty harsh Wulf. We don't know what situation he is in, I'm sure he has people he gets along with just fine.

I'm his friend and a lot of people on this forum would say the same I believe.

[Zaleramancer]

I am more me with these people than I am with other people. I look forward to this, because I know it will have a positive influence on my emotional and psychological state.

I really like you guys because..

I can be me...

Or closer..

I can never thank you guys enough for that.

[Zaleramancer]

I spent so long tearing myself down and separating myself from others. I wasted so much time pretending to be what other people thought I was that I lost sight of what I wanted..

When I was younger, I was nothing like I am now.

I was extroverted. Me. Extroverted. I could do anything without a hint of self-consciousness. People liked me.

Hell, I would have probably been one of the most popular people in my school if things hadn't changed.

Then puberty hit.. The whole being-attracted-to-guys thing combined with religion basically turned my life into a living emotional hell of self-hatred. Puberty only made things worse, because of sudden crippling self-consciousness. I was so terrified of people finding out what I perceived to be a freakish abomination that I slammed down on talking to people. I became hyper-aware of everything I said and did just in case.

It was so lonely.

You guys helped me so much through that time.

Eventually, things got better. In the recent months, I've become so much more like I was before my life took a turn for the worst.

I still regret loosing those years.

...

But tomorrow will be better.

[Philote]

Zaleramancer wrote

I can never thank you guys enough for that.

I'm glad that I was able to be there for you.

I think you're starting to get the right outlook on things.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

I don't mean to seem harsh, but the question, I thought was valid. He's talked with me before, and we discussed some of this. I hope he didn't take it the wrong way (I didn't mean to be sarcastic or cruel), but if you were offended by it, Zale, I do apologize. I try to make it as clear as possible that my intention is never to hurt anyone's feelings.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

Well, yeah, puberty does tend to do that. So many choices and paths are presented to us; we go through so many changes; it can be suffocating, intimidating, or even plain overwhelming. Couple that with the death of numerous loved ones; the stress of financial issues that you can do absolutely nothing about due to crippling self-consciousness; among numerous spiritual, moral, social and, yes, sexual crises, and you have my life, basically.

I have to say, you and I have pretty similar stories in general, and so I'm glad I was able to be of help. And more importantly, I'm glad that you're all the better for the struggles your encounters have put you through. Despite having never met you in person, I do consider you a good friend. All of you: Marv, Phi, Bug, Zale, and everyone else who's formed our closest circle on the forum.

But don't feel terrible about losing those years. It's called losing your innocence. We all do, as we get older. I know I'm not nearly as nice, pleasant, outgoing or adventurous as I used to be when I was younger: I used to climb trees, explore woods, play with animals, catch bugs and lizards and write stories ALL THE TIME. But as I got older, things seemed to take a very unpleasant turn in my life.

Had to deal with lots of crap in middle school (trust me, it was not just accusing me falsely about my sexuality; maybe I'll go into detail on Facebook, if anyone asks), and then the teasing in high school, combined with folks dying left and right, and us having to deal with Granddaddy's illness, and people's true colors coming out, and, well...it was a mess. And it showed in my relationships with my friends, with my family, and with God. It was only in the senior year of high school that things began to majorly turn for the better again.

So, yeah, we all have those hard times in our lives. But if it's any consolation, I will always try my best to be here for you, Zale, and anyone else who would like to talk about what they go through. And if it's personal, to the point you don't want to discuss in public, then by all means, we can message on Facebook.

[Zaleramancer]

I'm better.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 That's good.

[Whd]

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[Zaleramancer]

I'm not sure I understand the appeal of drunkenness.

It wasn't all that great.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 If such appeal exists, I'm sure I haven't found it (nor will I seek it). By the way, speaking of which, how goes the play? Have you, um...played in it yet?

[Zaleramancer]

I was somewhat drunk yesterday.

And some at 2~ in the morn.

An interesting experience, but not one I quite understand the appeal of.

Though, It did make me feel pleasantly stupid for a bit.

That was kind of nice.

~~~~~~

Play is not 'til week after next.

We move to the stage for practice next week.

I'll be scoping out a costume this weekend with some peeps.

[Zaleramancer]

There was a pageant for my college.

Miss Itawamba Community College.

A girl from the play I'm in, and a girl from my home town were in it.

Neither of them one, despite the first having a simply amazing dance routine and the second a beautiful song.

I also got to hear Molly May.

Chick sings like she has four lungs.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 Interesting.

[Zaleramancer]

I told my three closest real life friends about my sexuality.

Awkward, but they're supportive.

[Whd]

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[Zaleramancer]

Two girls and a guy.

It's mostly me feeling awkward about it.

They're all cool with it.

[Celadon's Penultimate]

 Well, no offense, but I think you're the only one shocked by that development (here in the forum, AND among your friends). Despite however conservative (lower-case 'c' AND upper-case 'C') Mississippi is, your friends are college age.  They're in college, meaning that they're out from under their parents' views, and much more free to think on their own. And they're undoubtedly more liberal than your parents (even if not actually liberal), meaning they don't even have to hide their acceptance for your feelings.

Still, despite the fact that their acceptance has thrown you for a loop, I congratulate you for finding accepting friends (that you can actually see and talk to in person, *ahem cough cough* ) and I congratulate them for not letting their parents' possible prejudices and biases form their opinions of, and feelings toward you.

Even though I'm pretty sure they would still have been far less accepting, had your racial or ethnic or religious circumstance been different (do they know you're a formerly-Christian agnostic?), it's still, um...a good step forward.

[Zaleramancer]

I'm getting around to telling them..