Comedy Awesomeness!

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Here's one you likely didn't expect! A thread for jokes, riddles and humor/comedy! Enjoy!

Feel free to look at jokes provided here, and/or tell your own! All humor is welcome, as long as it follows the main rules of the site. Otherwise, I hope this is a fun and entertaining thread for the site! Hope you like it!









No drinking, no smoking allowed!

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WWW.JOKES.COM

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WWW.LOTSOFJOKES.COM

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I'm sure I've posted those before.

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You have.

Hence my being pleased with you reposting them.

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==Humor==

I hate when I'm at weddings and all the old people poke you and say "You're next..."

So I started doing the same to them at funerals...

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The Ugly Barnacle Story.  

Three sentences long, endless entertainment.

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 Oh, yeah, I remember that one...

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KATT WILLIAMS, IT'S PIMPIN PIMPIN!!!

(No other MOVIE will be posted until the next page, as it dramatically slows some computers)

(enjoy!)

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A joke I read.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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I remember that one, my mom told it to me when I was little...

I should find some more, cause this thread has some very humorous potential...

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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

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Reputedly the best joke in the world:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

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Second best:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well,
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Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
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Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
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Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
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Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
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Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

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Top joke in USA:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”  

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Top joke in Canada:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

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Top joke in Australia:

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”  

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Top joke in Belgium:

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
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To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
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To stamp out burning ducks